I took the week off work after Easter and started to archive the many many notebooks I’ve got. Most of them are recent and full of vague ideas and writing exercises, but I found two books that surprised me; one was a book of my Chess games from when I used to play for the county back in 91/92 (I even played through two of them), and another was my old notes book. The latter was a book that replaced an even older book that had got wet and partially ruined, and so my girlfriend at the time bought me a new one to transfer everything across into (I know this as I wrote a small tribute to her on the first page).
I have no aspirations of being a poet but these poems were an outlet for me as I suffered irrelevant and selfish problems of the heart. Most are incomplete, but there were three that were finished. Rather than archive them away for ever, I thought I’d give them some air and see what others think of them. I’ll try to put them into context too.
Me & Her
This one was written as I was having doubts about breaking up with one of my first girlfriends. Although we remained friends for a few months afterwards, she drifted away just as I was hearing some of the “bad things” she was saying about me.
Screw your eyes up really tight,
In the day or late at night,
And think of all the things that passed,
That lasted too long or went too fast;
Is that a tightness in your chest?
Did you bail out when you were blessed?
I know the feeling, I did the same,
Way back when it was just a game.
The greener grasses hypnotised,
Then kicked me around and tossed me aside.
I folded my hand that had the ace,
And was left here thinking of her sweet face.
Time has passed and I am older,
Wiser, stronger, shoulders broader.
I should fall to my knees, arms stretched high,
Cry, scream out loud, “how and why,
Did I let her go when she was mine?”
I should pull the trigger, cross that line,
But no I don’t; that’s my choice.
I stand here tall and proud, in one clear voice,
And proclaim to all that I am me!
Adult, logical, mature and free.
I’m not haunted by her face any longer;
What fails to kill me makes me stronger.
And as I sit here on higher ground,
Enjoying friends and looking around,
She starts to talk and draw attention,
But halt, stop; there is no connection
Between us now; I am me.
The Decay of Ragnar
This is a really interesting find; although this was penned in 97/98, it contains the protagonist of a novel that I began writing in 2010! Anyway, this is about how people change for the worst; this poem was accompanied by a piece of prose (more like a diary entry) about how I noticed a change in my personality after being involved with a particularly troublesome girl. Bad times…
Ideas warp, once were straight,
They wrap insanely and correlate
Into thoughts not right or true,
Shapes shift from red to blue,
Squares become circles, fiction into fact,
Memories once sharp, now flawed and cracked.
For here is Ragnar, once strong and proud,
His focused thoughts now shrouded in cloud.
A fine line between genius and madness
Has been crossed, and passed into darkness.
Life’s lessons have taken their toll
And have contributed to the fall.
A women’s evil has cracked his heart,
Physically ill from Cupid’s dart.
He had the world, now it’s lost,
And with it paid a terrible cost.
A fallen soldier with mortal wounds,
Beautiful ballads now sorrowful tunes
To his twisted interpretation on life;
Love and affection now war and strife.
Give him your pity but also please learn,
Steel your heart or you will turn
Love Poem #5
This sugary self-indulgent sob-story was written for an ex girlfriend that I wanted to get back with; we eventually did get back together, although I think the below would have prevented it if I had showed her.
My heart aches terribly once more,
A loss felt right down to the core
Of my soul, a relentless tear in me,
With only one remedy that I can see;
An exquisite, shimmering, heavenly being,
Smooth sweet skin and smile glistening
In the light of her own beauty.
Free, caring, as if it her duty
To bring a piece of heaven to Earth;
Surely an angel had given birth
To this beautiful brown-eyed goddess,
My heart stops and I’m an emotional mess.
Back then, oh how we danced together,
On sunny days and in stormy weather,
And stars twinkled in dark cold skies,
As we looked longingly into each other’s eyes.
It didn’t matter; we were one,
Burning and fiery like the sun.
The familiar dark clouds obscure,
Rumours and talk make me insecure,
And our hands break contact;
Oh, if only I could retract
Such a foolish moment back then,
And take us back to when
We still danced together, as one,
We loved each other and had fun.
Now the clouds have gone but so have you,
You dance with another, someone new.
So I finish this chapter, close this book,
And think about how lucky I was to look
At you, my lost heavenly angel.