Warren looked around the restaurant bar. “I tell you what,” he said to his best friend Trent, “there are some fucking monsters in here tonight. I wouldn’t crawl over any of them to get to you!”
Trent smiled without humour and smoothed his suit down nervously. He wanted his second date with Becky to be as stress-free as possible, which initially meant no wingman – and especially no Warren. However, Becky had a friend that had become single recently, and since Warren was also single, a double date had been arranged. Maybe the two girls would have been less keen if they knew Warren beforehand. Still, maybe Tina and Warren would get on. Maybe.
Two slim brunettes sauntered by their spot at the bar. “Excuse me,” said Warren to the girls, “but have you ever had your belly button licked?”
“Errrr, I guess so?” said one of the girls.
“What about from the inside?” replied Warren, then laughed as they sneered at him and walked away. “Fucking lesbians everywhere,” said Warren loudly, then swigged his beer.
“Warren, can you please… be less crude tonight?” asked Trent. “I want this date to go well. I like Becky very much, you know?”
“Sure thing, Trent!” He gripped Trent’s shoulder in friendship. “So then, my bird – Tina isn’t it? How big are her tits?”
Trent looked around wildly. “Stop that! That’s the kind of thing that’ll completely destroy this date! Becky and Tina aren’t whores, they’re very well-spoken and sophisticated women. They don’t like jokes about their tits, or sucking…things.”
“Bloody hell,” said Warren, “I might as well go home!”
Suddenly, their dates were there, a flurry of perfume, legs, shapely dresses and bags. Trent jumped up, kissed Becky on the cheek, then offered her his seat. He greeted Tina, kissed her on the cheek too, then offered them a drink, which they accepted. Two red wines.
Then it was time. “Tina,” said Trent, feeling quite anxious for some reason, “may I introduce my friend Warren?”
“Hi,” said Tina, her long black lashes fluttered above luxuriously-brown eyes. “Nice to meet you.”
Warren accepted her hand and looked her from head to foot, pausing on her bosom straining against the front of her red dress. “Pleased to meet you Tina,” he said. “I must admit that you look ravishing tonight.”
“Why thank you!” She beamed. Trent sighed a little. It might be a good night after all.
“And I must say,” continued Warren, “that I would love to motorboat those.”
“Motorboat what?” asked Tina, confused.
“He means,” interrupted Trent, “he can’t want to try one of the cocktails here. A motorboat. Right, Warren?”
“Anyway,” said Trent, “I think our table is ready. Shall we be seated?” He gestured for the ladies to go ahead, then he pulled Warren back. “Just behave Warren, please? No sexual references, just simple, pleasant chat. Right?”
“I’m only having a laugh,” chuckled Warren. “Anyway, that Tina bird is gagging for it. She’s already frothing over like a pan of milk, I can tell.” They followed the girls, with Trent’s blood pressure hitting new heights in anxiety.
The meal went surprisingly well up until the dessert. The conversation had been light, jovial, and pleasant; this was mostly because Warren had stayed quiet for the majority of the meal, unwilling or unable to contribute to the subjects being discussed.
“So then Warren,” said Tina, delicately taking the end off of a cheesecake with her fork, “what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a project manager,” he replied.
“Do you enjoy it?”
“Not any more,” he replied. “I used to, but we had a restructure of the department which resulted in some colleagues being made redundant. One of the admin team in particular is sorely missed.”
“That is awful,” replied Tina, “but I find it sweet that you should care about your colleagues. Why do you miss this administrator? Were they particularly skilled in their work, or were they your friend?”
“Neither,” said Warren as he sipped a flute of wine, “I miss her because she had a fantastic ass and a face I could have creamed on.”
Trent choked on a mouth full of sponge. “Warren, really!”
“Seriously!” said Warren. “Most of the women working in my place look like a bulldog licking piss off of a stinging nettle! That’s not a nice working environment for any man!”
Tina scowled. “That’s very chauvinistic of you, Warren.”
“Oh right. I have an opinion about the way a woman looks, and I am suddenly the bad guy. If women didn’t want men to care about their appearance, why do they go to great lengths to doll themselves up?”
“Maybe if men like you didn’t make women feel bad about their appearance, we wouldn’t have to go to such lengths,” countered Becky, crossing her arms. Trent’s heart sank; it had begun. Warren vs women, the never-ending war of the sexes.
“As far as I’m concerned, women are just snakes with tits. You can’t trust them.” He smiled at the girls’ shocked expressions. “The only thing women care about is what’s going into, or coming out of, their vaginas.”
Trent buried his head in his hands. “No, Warren…”
“Tell me,” said Tina coldly, “what was your last relationship like?”
“It was OK,” he replied. “She had a great body, could suck a bowling ball through a hosepipe, and let me hang out the back of her like a bum rudder whenever I wanted. Which reminds me of something I wanted to ask you.” He leaned towards Tina. “Do you fuck?”
Tina hid her shock well. “So the only thing you look for in a woman is sex?”
“Oh good lord no. She has to be able to cook and clean too. House jobs and blow jobs. That’s a woman’s role.”
Both Trent and Becky looked in horror at Warren, who was grinning mischievously, revelling in the sexist confrontation. Tina stared at her plate in numb shock, but then made eye contact with Warren and smiled. “I agree, Warren. A woman needs to be able to do those things for her man. It’s the unwritten rules. And for your information, yes I do fuck.”
“Thank you!” He beamed at Trent. “See? I told you she was gagging for it!”
“However,” added Tina, “a man needs to do some things for a woman. I need things from a man.”
“He must have at least a ten inch cock, and be able to last more than an hour when he’s on me.”
“Exactly what I… ten inches?” said Warren a little off-guard.
“At least,” corrected Tina. “My man must supply the right-sized instrument before I’ll play a good tune on the pink oboe for him.” She smiled sweetly. “And I certainly don’t want a two-pump chump that goes off before I’ve even started to juice up. So then Warren, do you have a good-sized purple-headed yoghurt-chucker tucked away in your trousers? Could you kick my back doors in all night?”
Warren faultered but recovered well. “I’m all of the above, baby!” He puffed his chest out. “They call me ten-inch chuck, and I go like a piston on a steam ship!”
“If that’s the case, then I accept your offer to smash nasties tonight. However, let me be clear that if you were the kind of man who boasts about things he doesn’t have or can’t deliver, it would be something that I’d have to tell everyone I know.” She winked. “I’m sure you would do the same if a woman lied to you. I know how exasperated you’d be if these,” she grabbed her breasts and lifted them, “turned out to be just tissue paper, and I was as flat-chested as two coins on an ironing board. My expectations are no different.”
Warren stared at Tina’s come-to-bed eyes. His lip quivered. He clenched his hands. His eyes darted left and right, as if trying to find a way out. Finally, he smiled. “Sorry, you’re a great looker and all, but you’re too crude for me. You’ve got a mouth like a docker! Sorry sweet-tits. I like my woman to be a woman.”
“A shame,” replied Tina. “I’ll have to imagine what could have been.” She put some of the cheesecake between her lips and moaned a little. Warren glared at her.
When they had all finished the meal, they left the restaurant and walked to the taxi rank, Trent and Becky holding hands in complete silence, shocked about the exchange between their two friends; Warren and Tina were walking side-by-side too, and at a little distance. As they said their goodbyes, Tina leaned into Warren and whispered, “Remember, if you can supply the goods and give me what I want, I can give you what you want. What I am hoping though, is that you’ll change your view on women and relationships.”
“Actually,” he said, taking her hands, “I have. I’ve thought long and hard about what happened in the restaurant, and I now realise that I was totally out of order. It’s probably the reason why I’ve not had a proper relationship in years. I’m sorry for my behaviour.”
“That’s pleasing to know,” she said. “I don’t think you’re a bad guy. I had a brother just like you, which is why I can talk in your terms, so to speak. He learned very quickly that a poisonous attitude towards women is an attitude that guarantees a life forever lonely.” With a small peck on Warren’s cheek, Tina entered the same taxi as Becky, and the car took the girls away.
Trent and Warren watched the taxi in silence. Then, Warren grinned. “You know what?”
“I reckon I could have had her!”