This was a piece I submitted to an online publisher of humorous articles some time back. They accepted, but never got round to using (I think). Anyway, I thought it was good, and publish it here for your entertainment.
The Art of Hatin’
Here’s an uncomfortable truth; everybody hates somebody. You hate somebody. It might be that you secretly hate a friend that earns more than you, or maybe you despise a popular celebrity for having absolutely no discernable talent (and I can think of loads that belong in this bracket). They’re doing better than you, and you’re jealous. Welcome to the world of Hatin’.
Although everyone can hate, being an accomplished Hater requires forethought, spontaneous wit, and extensive general knowledge. In the words of Ice-T, “Real hating is like an art form” and, like most art, it requires careful talent and skill. Hatin’ does sound like a negative activity, yet it can have positive outcomes – most notably, it can make you feel better by making others feel bad. You may be a little shocked at making others feel bad – well, fuck them. After all, your so-called friends probably hate you already.
Hatin’ something you actually dislike are the first basic steps to becoming a Hater. However, to hate EVERYTHING – including those things or people you adore or hold dear – is the hallmark of a True Hater. After all, a Hater must be at odds with all subjects. Hatin’ things that others feel strongly about is the aim of the game, and if others like the same things as you, you’ll need to hate these things too.
So how do you hate effectively? As mentioned previously, it does require some talent – most wordsmiths will make excellent Haters – but everyone can form at least a framework to hate others with. The first rule is to be amusing. If your friend has returned from the barber with a hipster haircut, simply saying “I hate your hair” doesn’t yield much response. However, “your hair reminds me of your mother’s vagina after I ploughed it last night – greasy and lifeless” will get at least a smile from those around you. And, if someone smiles at your comment, it will appear that they agree with you, making the victim feel more humiliated and your comment more justified. Quite simply, make ‘em laugh for the best results.
If you are blessed with a natural talent for spontaneous wit and banter, you will require little preparation. However, if jokes don’t come easy to you, make up a couple of all-purpose insults to use when needed. With women, bear in mind that they value their appearance, so target your insults towards beauty (especially hair – I find that a quick “is that your real hair colour or is your hair dirty” can provoke a reaction) – with men, sexual prowess and orientation is an obvious Achilles Heel. Be creative and have fun with it.
The second rule is to be original. Spewing tired old insults and telling the same joke over and over again can quickly turn you into a boring fool – or, quoting from Viz’s Roger’s Profanisaurus, a “Repeater Kay”. However, it’s OK to use others’ material to form your own as long as you don’t simply become a vessel for regurgitating the Internet’s finest. If you need to plagiarise, use material that others are less-likely to have read or seen, but remember – a true Hater will be constantly and consistently original. As above, if you do end up using someone else’s jokes, give credit; you’ll look benevolent without having to bow to a superior wit.
As a Hater, reputation is key so the third rule is to always be accurate in your statements. Nothing will cause people to disregard your comments quicker than if you swamp your scathing remarks in bullshit. Don’t give anyone the opportunity to undermine your arguments – inaccuracy will allow your victims to counter-attack you. Bear in mind that as long as you can evidence your statements, you’re correct.
Serious writers should already have a repository of facts and reference materials, and all wanna-be Haters will need to read comprehensively in order to have the opposite opinion about everything. Your first stop should be Wikipedia. Trawl through the entries of celebrities and events, jotting down anything of note, especially those who have been shamed or arrested for crime.
The fourth and final rule is to be disagreeable. Learn to hate everything and everyone. See the flaws in the world and you’ll quickly realise that the world exists on a knife-edge of failure. Nothing is perfect – remind people of this fact. Remind them by Hatin’.
As an example, if your friend has an iPhone and is bellowing about its God-given powers, tell them the the iPhone is rubbish because it’s not as flexible as Android, and that Apple are simply marketing pretty colours to consumer whores. However, if your other friend has an Android phone, tell them that Android is rubbish because it’s nowhere near as slick as the iPhone and requires a lengthy customisation period to get it right. If another friend has a Blackberry, tell them Blackberrys are rubbish because they are for self-preening, desperately-untalented businesswomen who are on their period.
However, there may be certain situations where people force you to make a recommendation or a definite choice. This is tricky, but there is an appropriate course of action – choose something so obscure that people will not be able to judge you (and if they try, you can hate them with the full confidence of knowing more than them). You will also exude a sense of originality by not going for the “one advertised on TV”.
Once you have spent some time Hatin’, you can move onto the online equivalent – Flaming. Flaming is the act of submitting inflammatory comments onto YouTube videos, blogs, Facebook, Twitter and any other site that encourages feedback, in the hope of provoking a reaction.
There are two methods of flaming; witty retorts or obscene remarks. For example, a YouTube video showing Michael McIntyre at the Royal Variety Performance in 2006 warranted this response from myself:
“I trapped a testicle in a lift door when I was 12; it got snagged on the floor of the lift as it ascended and I was dragged up into the ceiling. I was left traumatised for many years, unable to look at an office block or a vagina for fear of causing additional damage. At one point, I was curled up into a ball in the corner of my room, defecating and vomiting over myself in fear-induced anxiety. I laughed more during those moments than I did watching this clip.” That comment, in the presence of McIntyre fans, was voted almost out of existence. Epic win!
In this modern era of spoon-fed knee-jerk moral reactions, simply passing statement in favour of the “wrong” opinion will provoke most people. For example, on a clip showing a policeman kicking a young girl in, I posted:
“Yes! Law enforcement makes my dick hard.” Cue moral outrage (and a creepy friend invite by a german who said “you would have been OK in our SS”).
Facebook can be a hilarious experience due to how “real” people take their FB lives. A throwaway comment to your ex about “surprise sex” may alienate you in real life. However, it is a goldmine for Flaming since most people narrate their tiny uninteresting lives in minute detail.
If you really don’t care about your online persona (or have an alternative account), you can create a lot of damage on Facebook. A simple exercise is to be a Facebook Feeder. You aim is to feed those people who post a status update such as “is unhappy” or “why me?” to try and get their friends to pay attention to them. As a Feeder, you give them this attention. Once they tell you their intimate details for being down/unhappy/drunk, you give them a good Flaming.
One example involves a sad and uninteresting ex-friend of mine who would post tedious statements about her dinner, where she was shopping, how she loved Fridays – you know the sort. Anyway, in one post she wrote:
“Why is the world so bad to me? L”. So, feeding her cry for attention, I posted:
“Oh no – are you OK? Anything I can do to help? X”. The floodgates opened a little and this comment appeared within a few seconds:
“Just fed up with my life and all that. My boyfriend just finished with me cause he didn’t think I cared about him. Not fair, always get treated bad. L”
Heart-wrenching stuff. After careful deliberation (and reluctantly deciding against “Cool – fancy a fuck?”), I replied with:
“Better get used to it you ugly bitch. Maybe it’s those saggy spaniel ear tits of yours. Eugh! X”
Yes, Hatin’ and Flaming is an art form, but it is also a way of life. Remember to be amusing, be original, be accurate and be disagreeable, but also remember to have fun. You may discover that you have a talent for insulting people, and as you alienate friends and family, I hope you’ll think of me. Oh, and if you’re a person gifted with wit and natural banter – I hate you.