On Reflection, I’ve Changed

I know what you're thinking - WTF?

Today, I sat down and logged onto Facebook; my mother and sister had posted two video links on my page. One was “Do the Bartman” (this was the first record I bought), and the second a link to “Space Cowboy” by Jamiroquai. The former made me smile, but the other set me in a reflective mood.

These last few weeks, if not months, has been especially testing for me. Being an aspiring writer is like battling a mental illness; you doubt yourself, you worry that all the hours spent writing won’t amount to a thing, and you struggle to find the time to turn the tons of notes and ideas into something tangible. At work, one of my colleagues has been dismissed for something I don’t think I’ll go into here – this has started a wave of mistrust, investigation, and quiet rage from those affected.

Anyway, as I listened to Space Cowboy, it brought up all the feelings, dreams, and hopes I had back when I was in early teens. It felt good, and I slowly realised that I am a very different person from the always-smiling teen that used to wear his heart on his sleeve almost 18 years ago. Back then, I was untainted by the bangs and knocks of emotional involvement, and I think I used to pride myself on my unconditional friendship that I would give to others. I’d think about the girls I was “in love” with – and this was more than just how I’d like to have sex with them. It was about falling in love, being with them, about the possible future with them. I was quietly confident in myself, my abilities, and my goals.

In short, I was a more soulful and reflective person in my teens – maybe even a more well-rounded person. The kid who would listen to Jamiroquai and think about good times and vibes is now a man fairly removed from his core ideals, and this bothers me more than any of my NLP-discovered home truths. I have no time for those who ask but do not give, I have dismissed those who don’t display what I deem as friendship, and I don’t consider about the spiritual side of myself and the world, so much so that it is almost a faded memory. I worry about my health and my abilities. That isn’t me.

Based around a phrase I saw on t’Internet a few days back, I’ve made little agreement with myself; to stop being so judgemental and unhappy with everything around me, and to get awesome instead. Need to raise my game a bit, be a better member of the human race, and to be the best Howard I can be.


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